A recent, first-time trip to Leeds inspired me to revive an old blogging niche. Namely, writing restaurant reviews. Beginning with a dream of a meal at a place called Brontaè’s…

We take as the subject for today’s review, Brontaè’s Bar & Restaurant, situated in Horsforth, within Leeds. I recently ventured up north for the first time in my life, with one primary purpose: to visit this restaurant. Ever since owner and founding head chef, my Northern Namesake Dale Spink planted the seed back when I interviewed him for an article much earlier in the year. Last week, I finally made it. And I’ll say right off the bat that it was well worth the wait.

STARTER: SMOKED MACKEREL PÂTÉ

There were several contenders for the role of starter at this meal. Confit Duck Leg. Pigs Cheek and Chorizo. Scallops with a roe tuile and parsnip purée (among other things). But in the end, I could not resist a classic pâté to begin my dinner. Except the pâté dish at Brontaè’s is anything but classic. For one thing, it shares its stage with a rather striking co-star, a pea tart.

In all the years I’ve reviewed restaurants and sampled pâté dishes, I had never seen anything like it. And that uniqueness transferred right into the flavours. The  pâté, which the menu revealed contained white chocolate, soft cheese and horseradish among other things, was a vehicle for fierce, fishy saltiness. A saltiness that was balanced out, in turn, by the pea tart, with its subtly savoury filling and perfectly flaky pastry.

Honestly, it was a massive fight with myself not to scrape the ceramic off the plate for every last morsel. Of all those delicious-sounding starters, I definitely made the right choice!

MAIN COURSE: SLOW-BRAISED JACOB’S LADDER

Wow, where to start with this one…

Since following Brontaè’s on social media earlier in the year, I’d come to understand the Slow-Braised Jacob’s Ladder is something of a fan favourite among the main courses. So, despite the presence of Herb-Crusted Coley, Ham Hock & Wholegrain Mustard Pie, and Crispy Pork Belly on the menu, how could I have anything other than the Jacob’s Ladder?

(Jacob’s Ladder is a ribs dish, for anyone wondering).

Certainly a colourful, eye-catching entrée. The meat still clinging to an utter weapon of a rib, and surrounded by all manner of vegetables (roasted, pickled, steamed). You don’t get this at your common-or-garden Sunday roast, nor your everyday barbeque. This was something truly special. And the meat just fell apart with the fork and, to affect an age-old cliché, melted in the mouth. If you wanted to illustrate the word ‘succulent’, just order this dish.

DESSERT: LEMON CELLO TART

It was a struggle to know whether or not my stomach could take another hit with dessert. But one that we worked through. And thankfully, our choice was perfectly light and understated. A delicate note to follow two hefty portions. In the form of what Brontaè’s calls a Lemon Cello Tart.

I guess you could argue that this dessert was “deconstructed”. In the sense that the lemon curd filling was lying on the plate, a slice of pastry lying otherwise separate on top of it. Not by any means a disappointment; just not a tart in the same way as the pea tart from the starter.

Semantics aside, the dessert was delicious. The person who discovered the dream team that is lemon, raspberry and white chocolate, is a genius. And it was a joy to see all those elements playing parts in this dish. Speaking of combinations, the sorbet was a surprising thing — it was raspberry and peppercorn. It still amazes me now as I’m writing this how the dry heat from the pepper could cut through the tartness of the lemon and the raspberry and actually improve those flavours, rather than ruin them.

BRONTAÈ’S — THE FINAL VERDICT

As I was paying my bill, I turned to the waitress and said, “If I get COVID tomorrow and that’s the last thing I ever tasted, I’ll be very happy”. Nothing could be truer. The best meal to kick off a city break in Leeds. Even in restaurants where I have counted the staff among my good friends have I received such a warm welcome off the bat as I did at Brontaè’s. And throughout, the line I kept repeating after finishing each dish (or sometimes just partway through) was “Dale Spink is a genius”.

Getting to see the man himself in action, even for just a couple of minutes, was the icing on the proverbial cake. The restaurant floor gives on to the open kitchen, which allows you to watch the chefs work their magic if you’re sitting in the right place. All adds to the overall experience in my opinion.

Throughout my stay in Leeds, I spoke to a fair few people about Brontaè’s and it stunned me how none of them had heard of it. If you’re local to the area, you have no excuse. Book your table now! And if you’re on a city break of your own up in the area, make a plan to visit. You will not be disappointed. Full marks.

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Time to revisit the journalism archives and find another favourite feature of mine…

I have been scouring my old articles from my earlier freelance days and found that the online sex and lifestyle magazine, Sauce, has since been afflicted by invasive pop-ups. I can’t actually stay on the site itself for more than three seconds without McAfee telling me to turn back for my own safety. Fortunately the Word document with the finished draft still survives, so I’m immortalising it here for your reading pleasure. An in-depth examination into the risks of having sex in public.

Whether it’s a clumsy fumble on a beach (clichéd), a spontaneous spit-roast in a moonlit park (romantic), or a quickie in the elevator en route to the hotel room (impatient), where and how couples choose to have sex in public can be seen as a matter of taste. True, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but some get a bang out of the danger factor (if you’ll pardon the pun). With others, it’s more living in the moment.

22-year-old Liam Ellery is one of these people. “I most often did it in a car. But if I had to choose anywhere else it would have to be somewhere secluded like the woods. I know that sounds a bit rapey, but I hate the idea of anyone walking in, so club bathrooms, etcetera, would be a no-go. The living-in-the-moment factor used to play a massive part in it, but I wouldn’t say it did anymore.”

Could this be maturity speaking, and the preference of comfort and privacy? “In a way, yes…” Liam answers, “A couple of years ago it was about sleeping with girls and getting the best stories to tell people. I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy the thrill of sleeping around anymore; I’m just more open to relationships and keeping the sexual side to myself. It might also be because I’m bored of the clubbing environment now.”

But aside from the chance of getting caught in the act, and getting sand and worse in inconvenient places, there are notorious risks – both health and society-wise – in bringing the bedroom outside. Next to hotels, which can hardly be considered ‘public’, an online survey called The Icebreak Report found that the majority of their answerers preferred to have public sex “in nature”, i.e. on the beach or at the park.

It may all be fun and games for the couples, but those who are less private with their privates can cause trouble for the rest of us. For example, last summer, Amany Bedoui, a hotel receptionist originally from Italy, was subjected to a nude, lewd, rude awakening when she heard sexual sounds from outside her flat. After going to her window, she discovered three men midway through sex in the communal courtyard of her apartment block.

“One of them completely naked,” she explained, “I could not believe my eyes. The naked guy, who also seemed to be the youngest, was giving and receiving at the same time. Then they moved, with difficulty as they were very drunk, up against a wall. It’s a shame I didn’t think about throwing cold water over them. I slammed my window shut instead, and then they ran away.”

Having only been living at her flat for seven months, Amany said she had not experienced an incident that she described as “disrespectful behaviour” like this before, but that her neighbour, who had been living there for nine years, had.

“He told me yesterday that he experienced this sort of things on two or three occasions”, she explained, “One of them was a couple having sex next to his door.”

In order to protect people like Amany who may be offended by this kind of thing, in the UK, having sex in public is actually a criminal offence. From the obvious public indecency and indecent exposure charges that may apply, there could be a two-year jail sentence for being caught in a sexual act in public. You could also face other punishments, like a recent case where a couple caught having oral sex in a shopping centre in Shepherd’s Bush were banned from London for two months. Yeah, not just Shepherd’s Bush – the whole city of London!

And while we don’t encourage the behaviour, for any criminal conviction to be brought forward, the couples in question have to be witnessed or able to be witnessed.

For those who find the danger factor of public sex a real turn-on, then I give you two choices: wait until it’s dark, or find a really good hiding place. You may be able to bring up some amazing stories during the latest game of, “I Have Never”, but against all these risks you have to ask – is it really worth it?